Letter To Something I Love

Dear Chocolate

I love you.

Even though you make me sick in my tummy when I eat even a bit of you , I still love you.

I love you no matter the colour you are. Although, I do love you just that bit more when you are dark and bitter, suffused with hint of orange tang.

I love the accessories you come with be it nuts, sultanas, liqueur or little bits of chili.

I love you when you are cheap.

I love you even more when you are rich.

I love seeing you in a little box, wrapped up and ready to eat.

I love staring at you and your many friends at the counter in that place called Chocolate.

I love to eat you.

I love to drink you.

I love to pop you in my mouth and let you melt before I swallow you to make room for another one of you.

I even love you a bit when you are destined for the pantry to be added to a cake. You are really cheap then, but when I am desperate you still manage to satisfy me.

I love how many shapes you come in.

I love how freely available you are.

I love how I blame the bread I eat for my clothes getting tighter because I could never blame you.

You are too sweet and too small to be that bad for me.

I know you love me because you always want to be in my house to be eaten.

Isn't that the true sign of love?

Sacrifice?

That you give yourself up so freely to make me happy shows how much you love me.

Thank you, thank you.

Dear sweet darling chocolate.

Ciao
LC

Sunday Market

This morning S and I went off to a Farmer's market not far from us.

He moaned about having to go at first and then perked up when he realised he would be having a buffalo sausage in a roll for breakfast.

We didn't buy that much. But I did buy a "healthy" Christmas pudding. I know that sounds totally gross. I mean, how could have have a healthy one without the taste being compromised. However, I tasted it and it was very yummy. Okay, not quite as tasty as a nice fatty one but least I can eat it this year. No additives and no butter. Besides, once you smother it with creamy custard it will be great.

Which kind of defeats the whole healthy aspect to it now that I think about it.

We had to take a couple of photos of each other.

While I was sitting around and watching people come and go I realised how things have changed in my life in all sorts of ways.

When I first started blogging my son was about eight years old. He was involved with me a great deal. Loved coming to markets with me and rarely complained about going to the shops. We would go off to have a picnic or for a play in the park.

I knew that one day he would make a shift into his own self and want my company in a different way but now he is making that natural (and needed) move, I feel it. I feel it deep inside me and cannot quite put my finger on how to describe it.

Is is loss I feel or a sense of poignancy about the inevitable change that will take our relationship on a different level?

Is it loneliness? Is that gap that he filled with his constant presence what I feel. Do I feel a bit lost? I know I am needed so that is not it. I wonder if it is different if you have a daughter? Not that it matters, I am just curious.

All parents go through that stage of being needed in a more cerebral way. I am there in his mind but not there. I am wanted but on different terms. I am, along with my husband, merging into a background or the foundation on which he moves now. Just there providing support constantly but without him being overly aware.

He says things that tell me he is aware of so much now. He talks about music and how it makes him feel. About people's attitudes towards others and questions why people are they way they are. He has opinions and shares them but is also willing to listen to reason and reconsider his thoughts about things.

When he plays Xbox online I can hear him talking to other people. It is funny to listen to. For him it is natural to sit on the couch, headset on and speak to another person in another country. He makes jokes all the time. When the person on the other end swears my son says "Don't swear, it's boring and predictable". I am happy that he says that not because I don't want him to swear but because he has no problem asserting himself. It means he knows that there is a time and place for everything.

I can't stop noticing the change in him. Every day something new, something about his personality changes or he becomes more outspoken or insanely silly. It's great.

Life is so big for him now. I know that as he grows up he will come across all the peaks and troughs we all go through. He will feel great joy and utter sadness and wonder about the purpose of life along the way.

It must be like standing out in the middle of somewhere that you have never been and yet sense that it is a place that is also familiar. Feeling all the unknown wildness around and within and not know which way to move but feeling that every direction is a possible adventure.

It really is the great unknown to him.

Doesn't matter what others have experienced, his journey will be a different journey on that well worn trek down life's many roads. His responses to the signposts, the bumps and dips will be so personal and specific to who he is as a person.

When I think of it, I feel for him in every way.

Because I know he will feel everything along the way.

Ciao

LC

Saturday Night Chit Chat

I had to buy a party dress last night to wear to our work party. I hate "going out" dresses. I especially hate paying for them as they are always overpriced and you only wear them once or twice. In fact, this one I have on is now on EBay as I doubt I shall ever wear it again. It looks nice enough but it is completely useless.

Can you see how at ease I look wearing it......

When I got to the party I would say that I was hideously over dressed but did not care except I kept thinking I could have worn jeans and a groovy top and saved the money and bought something like a vintage Marcella bedspread or a wonderful lot of books.

The party was catered for and we used a group called Flying Woks. They serve entrees, main meals of noodles and a nice dessert. It was something different and pretty good value for what they did. But they served up a weird thing. It looked like and uncooked white bread roll. It was warm and sticky to hold. I took one bite and went "blech". It was filled with bean paste and was not very nice. I threw it in the bin and noticed that there were about a dozen others in there with a couple of bites taken out of them. Obviously not a popular item on this particular night. Still, have to say the rest of the food was great.

I ate and picked away at food. Drank a few mocktails and nibbled some lollies. I ate more than I normally do and also differently to the usual dull fare. Today I have been feeling like I ate a horse or something and have been a bit off colour. Too much odd food to process.

We got home at 11.30pm. I was exhausted and fell into bed like and slept like a log until 6.00am when the alarm went off. The rest of the day was spent in a semi stupor due to lack of sleep. It must be an age thing. As I did not drink I cannot blame it on alcohol. I was just plain old overtired. Right now I am looking forward to going to bed very soon.

My husband had a music job today and so S and I had to head out to get him some shoes for the overseas trip. The weather is cold over in the UK and a pair of runners just won't do the job when it comes to keeping feet warm.

His feet are now the same size as my husband's. I cannot reconcile myself to the fact that his big feet belong to his body and I kept asking if the shoes were too big. He reassured me that they fit perfectly. In the end he told me to stop asking.

After we bought what we needed we both got back into the car and S asked if we could have lunch somewhere. So off we went down to a lovely little shopping strip to get some yummy food. By this stage I was really feeling second rate. Warm car, bright sunshine behind the pale grey sky, headache starting to thump and a great urge to go to the toilet were making the prospect of a nice lunch very unlikely.

We pulled into the carpark, walked to the bakery and grabbed lunch and then went home. My plans to finish Christmas shopping today were put aside. I spent the rest of the day having the odd nap in between tidying up.

Earlier in the week I asked my son if he wanted to sit on Santa's knee this year. I was kind of surprised when he said he did. I mean, surely he cannot believe in Santa still? We don't talk about it really. He asked me once if there was Santa and I think I said something like "Oh, well, you know. It is one of those special traditions that just happen. Parents love him and so do kids. If you believe, you receive,". So, he must know but accepts the little story for what is good about it.

Anyway, this morning I asked him if he wanted to go today to see Santa. He looked at me and said "Ahhhh, no. No, I think twelve years of sitting on Santa's knee is enough." He said he thought about it really hard and decided he was too old for it now. I said it was fine by me.

I think I am quite lucky having even twelve photos of him sitting on Santa's knee!

He is definitely growing up.

Ciao
LC

Busy Week

I have had an extremely busy week at work.

Normally I don't work a full eight hour day but this week I have had to.

It means that everything else falls by the wayside.

This coming week I will work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday getting the office ready for my long absence. We have money in and things are safe as far as wages go and work being up to date.

Next year I will be working a forty hour week and my husband and I have been talking about how to ensure that the important things don't get ignored.

We decided that housework, whilst being nice once done, is down the ladder of priority. After years of trying to always have the place spotless we are kind of past that and just do what needs doing and a bit extra when there is time.

I bought a very impressive "family calendar" that can be filled in with things that have to be followed up. Things like homework my son has to do, when assignments are due, music jobs my husband has, exercise classes and, most importantly, what good shows are on television.

The calendar looks great. I cannot wait to hang it up and pretend to be organised.

The first month of the year is the best.

Every day until the 23rd of January will be spent in another country.

And for all that time we will eat breakfast, lunch and dinner out and about.

The biggest decision I will make is what to eat or whether or not I can wear my socks four days in a row.

Am feeling a bit excited about it all.

Ciao
LC

Boy Hormones

My son has a poor body image.

He hates that he has a fat stomach.

And his round face.

And his chubby cheeks.

And his fat lips.

And his body odour.

He is going through a difficult stage. Getting clothes to fit right. And the fashion is all fitted shirts that show his stomach, which is maybe carrying a bit of fat but certainly not so much that he should be ashamed of it.

I wonder to myself if I have somehow infected his mind with my own hideous body image issues. It is possible. I mean, how can we tell the true impact of our behaviour on children.

So I ask him if I have contributed in some way to how he sees himself. He thought about it and then said no. But he felt I had contributed to his extra weight by the food I provided. To which I replied that I cannot control what he eats if I am not around and he randomly raids the fridge.

He then started to tell me that he is always hungry. But not so hungry that he will eat some fruit. Perhaps he is thirsty I suggest, or bored. He agreed. I explained about how easy it is to get into the habit of picking at food when bored and how efficient the body is in storing any unused energy.

What triggered this whole discussion was that I bought him a shirt to wear to his school lunch tomorrow. It was tight around his middle, only just. It made him self conscious. Then, after some discussion, he told me how much he hated his body and that he was worried that he would be like a kid in class who he hates and who happens to be very, very overweight.

The conversation started to get worse. He felt that his dad was always too busy for him. That I sat on the computer too much. That we did not do enough as a family. The list went on. He told me that he felt like crying.

Told me he got depressed about things. The environment, the government, anything and everything got him down if he thought too much about it.

"You are a thinker so you need to learn how far to dig when you are thinking. Sometimes you can think yourself into a hole. Try to balance the sad thoughts with some good thoughts," I said helpfully.

We talked about hormones and the effect they can have on him. The weight gain, the awkward body, the body odour and the pimples.

"It's not forever," I told him.

We got talking about how it was the same for me when I started high school. I loathed my round face. Was teased at school about my thick lips. Hated my fat body when I was twelve. My hairy legs. Hated smiling because it made my cheeks look chubby. He laughed about all that because it was exactly how he was feeling.

But there was one small difference. Actually, two.

He likes himself as a person whereas it took me forever to get to that place.

He has full support from his parents and I certainly cannot say the same.

When we were talking he told me that he had that feeling in his chest that happens when he feels sad. It was anxiety.

"That's maybe because you are talking about things that are emotional. And emotions can be difficult to face and then the anxiety starts. Learning to face and accept emotional ups and downs early in life is a good thing, no matter how uncomfortable it may be at the time," I explained.

We talked for about an hour or so. I sat on the end of his bed and listened to him. He listened to me.

"It's good to talk," he said.

"Yes, it is. Otherwise we cannot improve what goes on in our life," I replied.

At the end of it all he was happy. We sorted out what he would wear tomorrow and he went to sleep at ease.

But he did remind me that I had to expect him to be horrible and moody for the next few years.

I'm ready for it.

We are both ready for it.

I think.

Ciao
LC

Sunday Blab

Today my husband and I took our son and his friend to the movies.

It was quite complicated.

We went in separate cars so that at the finish of the movies my husband would pick up the boys and take them home leaving me to do some Christmas shopping.

So, my husband and I had some shopping time together and ended up spending one hour of that in a mobile phone shop upgrading our phones.

Interestingly, both mobile phones started to semi die in the past couple of weeks and I have had to use a dinosaur phone from work. I am sure that is timed so that when the contract runs out you are compelled to get a new phone and sign up again.

After the mobile phone fun we actually went together into a department store and I bought a dress. Yes, I bought a "going out dress" which is a rare thing for me. We have a work party this Friday and I just had absolutely zilch to wear. I tried on quite a few and all looked super in their own way but I went safe and bought a black one.

Once my husband left I was able to get on with the job of Christmas shopping.

I don't know what happens, but the moment I start Christmas shopping I forget everything I wanted to get. My mind gets foggy. I am sure the crowds and noise just make me zone out. I had to make phone calls to my brother's wife and back home to find out what things were on the wish list.

After three long hours I got back to my car and loaded the land fill into the back of it and headed home.

Where I then spent one shitful hour working out my new phone. My GPS did not work properly on the phone and it was the same with the last phone. I think it is something I did when I started to excitedly push buttons (after ripping open box).

Push, push, fiddle, push and more fiddling is bound to do some minor damage.

I have now left it because the GPS finally worked but apparently I am living in London right now so something is skewiff.

As I was in such a foul mood I went and mowed the lawn, hung out the washing, baked some Christmas cup cakes and then made dinner.

Now I plan to wrap some presents. All in brown paper and then decorated with cellophane flowers and other fun things. I love wrapping presents.

I have not yet told my son that he is about to come with me food shopping. Might wait until he has digested his food. The trauma of food shopping may upset him.

Earlier on today when we all got to the shopping centre we sat down to have a coffee. My husband and I were talking about something and I overheard my son and his friend chatting away.

Son to friend; "You know Harry Hunt at school?"

Friend to son; "Yeah."

Son to friend; "Does he have a brother called Mike?"

Followed by peels of laughter.

My husband looked at me as if to say "what have you been saying Linda?".

It took a while for the boys to calm down (and me as well).

I love how children are so full of silliness.

Even if it is a bit rude.

It is just so joyful.

Ciao
LC

Pearls Of Wisdom

Today my son and I went to the shops to pick up a couple of things.

We were sitting in the food mall having lunch and doing some people watching.

My son made a comment about life just racing by.

Then he said that he felt he had learnt so much already and there was more to learn.

I said that the learning process was never ending.

I then asked him if anything I had told him stuck in his mind as one day being helpful in making good choices one day.

He replied, without hesitation;

"Yeah, you bet. When you told me that a girl could get pregnant if she was on top. Lucky you told me that because I thought she couldn't and that might come in handy one day".

Oh.

Okay.

Ciao
LC

Socks

Lately life has been busier than usual and laundry duties have taken a nose dive as far as priority goes.

Won't even mention the state of the house this week!

Anyway, this morning my son complained that he could not find any clean socks.

Could it be because four pairs of the things were behind the couch where he decided to undress at night?

Let alone what was in his bedroom laying around on the floor - being aired out I presume.

Sure, my house is a wee bit untidy but I have to say that lazy son of mine can put his stinky socks in the wash himself.

Although, I actually think he does not see them once they leave his feet.

Hmmmm.

Ciao
LC

Can 'O' Worms

I really just want to say that the thing about what happens when one starts "Opening A Can Of Worms" really, really does apply to that well known golfer currently being featured in every newspaper at the moment.

Every time I read about it there is a new woman to add to the collection.

Everything about it is just awful.

Honestly, you could perhaps make an effort to understand one episode or even one regular person amongst the indiscretions.

But with so many coming out of the woodwork it just beggars belief.

It says something very, very disturbing about a man's integrity and state of mind.

All in all it is sad.

Ciao
LC

Oh, Okay.

The other day I was watching some morning television just before we went off to work and school for the day.

They were advertising some ab, butt, belly, booby, leg, thigh, hip busting muscle twirling ergonomic, core strengthening machine.

Which fits under the bed of course.

It looked almost dangerous.

Anyway, as usual the gym bunnies were using it with great success showing off their 13 percent body fat physiques.

The message was that if you use this machine for ten minutes a day you too can have a body like theirs.

My son said "That is stupid. you can be really fit and exercise and still have fat on you. You need to eat less to get that thin".

"How right you are", I replied vaguely.

And then he said "Look at you, you exercise and are fit and stuff but still have fat on you".

Gee thanks.

I might console myself with a lettuce leaf.

And lie under the bed.

Ciao
LC